DVD review: Conan the barbarian

Conan wants to avenge the massacre of his home village.

I really don’t understand it.

After languishing in development hell for two decades finally they manage to do another Conan movie but instead of using any of the original stories of Robert Howard or one of the acclaimed comic book ones by Roy Thomas they wrote a new one. And it’s so terrible.

This was so obvious that they felt the need to justify themselves. Apparently They like Howard stories but they won’t do because, and I quote, “They don’t have a proper three act structure”. This is stupid beyond belief.

So we got a proper Hollywood story. To make it proper they even start with Conan as a young boy. The whole first part of the movie is little Conan doing stuff and interacting with his dad, big Conan. Was there somebody clamoring for it? A soul so hopelessly confused that without seeing the origin story it wouldn’t understand what Conan is about?

Look, I can at least understand why they out origin stories with superheroes, even if I don’t agree with it some of those are complicated and their superpowers can be convoluted, but Conan! It’s very hard to get simpler than Conan. He is the archetypal barbarian, he goes around in fur underwear, with his chest exposed, slashing stuff with his sword and looking for riches. That’s it, there’s nothing else to know.

The movie looks and feels like one of those cheap fantasy movies from the early 80, you know “Hawk the slayer” and its ilk, just devoid of any sense of fun. They somehow spent 90 million dollars and got something that looks so cheap, enemies so unmenacing, monsters so undeveloped, maybe they spent it all in publicity…

At least Jason Momoa as the titular Conan looks the part. I know that he is a far cry from Arnie but Arnie never came back and now he is too old to play Conan, even if he could be a wonderful Conan dad. Jason Momoa may looks odd but looks and moves like a barbarian, we have to admit it. Actor wise is plain to see that he tries his best to sell the terrible lines that they feed him. He fails miserably but it’s not his fault, you need a very experienced and talented actor to elevate this kind of material.

Ron Perlman plays Conan dad and just manages to emerge unscathed, maybe his long experience in B movies gave his the right kind of delivery.

Rose McGowan, who almost played Red Sonja in an aborted project by Robert Rodriguez, finally gets to scratch her Hyborian hitch as one of the main villain. She gives a lot to the role but, again, the material simply isn’t there. She is not aided by some too bizarre prosthetics that seems to enhance her real life abuse of botox.

Conclusion: Stay clear of this movie, mostly if you are a Conan fan.